


Food Ramblings from a Thwarted Chef



Today I made four apple pies, three key lime pies and one pecan pie. Pie is delicious. Really! How can you not like pie? You know the expression 'As American as apple pie'? Pie is to American what the éclair is to France or what summer pudding is to England or what flan is to Mexico. It just screams America. And it is my favorite type of dessert. PIE!!! PIE!!! PIE!!! Don't give me cake. Don't give me pudding. Give me PIE! (Well cakes and pudding are pretty good as well.)
I recently met someone who unilaterally does not like pie. I have always liked this person a lot, but now...well eh, not so sure. I mean who does not like pie? I understand maybe not liking certain kinds of pie, but to across the board, not a single exception, not like pie is just crazy talk. Nonsense, crap, I say. Possibly she is an alien. Would that explain the bizarre pie hating behavior? Maybe, but seriously...WHO DOESN'T LIKE PIE? Weird, strange, wack-a-doodle people, or aliens, don't like pie. How can your mouth not water just thinking about different kinds of pie: coconut cream pie, lemon meringue pie, chocolate cream pie, blackberry pie, apple pie, strawberry rhubarb pie, key lime pie, pecan pie, chocolate pecan pie, shoofly pie, lemon chess pie, sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie, blueberry pie, cherry pie (favorite, seriously), peach pie—I could go on, but I think you get the point. Can you really say that you hate all of these pies? Good lord, there is no possible way. I have been trying to imitate my mom's lemon meringue pie forever, it was delicious. She made some really good pies. Especially her savory pies, like the Vidalia onion pie. Oh wow… Again, I LOVE PIE!
With Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, pie is pretty much on the menu. I challenge my friend to try a piece of each one of my pies and tell me that she still doesn't like pie. Unfortunately she is a pretty stubborn gal and will not change her opinion, almost out of spite. She has decided she doesn't like pie and that's that. I'll show her, I'll make a whipped cream pie and smack her in the face with it. Then at least she will have a reason to hate pie. Ugh..hate pie. Un-American.
This time of year we spend a lot of time planning for the perfect family dinner. Holidays bring us together. Families that are spread out across the country gather in their childhood homes, or maybe the new condo that dad bought during his midlife crisis. Menus are discussed, shopping is done, your weird uncle gets drunk and starts talking about his recent use of Viagra, the dog throws up in the living room and you stay the heck out of the way, stranding yourself in the kitchen, with the knives. Each year we vow not to get angry at our brothers or sisters. We promise not to want to shake our mother-in-law for her ridiculous views on, well, everything. We pack our bags, get on the plane, down a couple mini bottles and maybe a xanex and hope for the best. We swear that we will put on a happy face and enjoy dinner with those family members that we never see—never see for a good reason. No matter how bad the year before was (or good—here's hopping) we make a pact with ourselves to approach each holiday with optimism. Or at least I do.
I always try to get home for Thanksgiving, even if it just for the day. Pretty much my whole family gathers at my father's house, along with the whole step family. It is sometimes stressful, but always an adventure. I love the food…sweet potatoes, turkey, cranberries, dressing…hold on, gotta wipe the drool from my chin…broccoli and Linda's hollandaise sauce. As with all families we have our favorites as well as our traditions.(Watching my two older brothers harass the middle brother over his political views is a new tradition, much like watching my youngest brother fry his thumb along with the turkey.) My mom used to make this cranberry Jell-o mold with celery, apples and pecans; as a kid I thought it was gross, as I grew up I learned to love it. Now I eat everything but the celery, I am not a fan of celery—my brother Joe is allergic to it, lucky him. None of my brothers make it, but my cousin Wyman brings it as her contribution to dinner. It completes things and reminds us of those that we love who are no longer with us. When the supper is over, dessert has been eaten, there are those pesky leftovers. Ugh, what to do with them? My stepmother is not a big fan of leftovers, mostly because she has an allergy to mold spores which apparently start to grow in food after a day in the refrigerator. I on the other hand think of leftovers as culinary challenges—What to do with them?! For me, the leftovers are one of the things I look forward to. I mean, what makes a better midnight snack than dressing, gravy and slices of turkey…seriously, drooling more now. Makes me want to make Thanksgiving at my house just for the leftovers…
My mom used to make the best Turkey Tettrazini. I loved it and I was not such a big fan of casseroles, this one made me really happy. I now make it when I am in need of some comfort food, usually with chicken, but leftover turkey is best.
Becky's Turkey (or Chicken) Tettrazini (Sort Of)
1-13x9 casserole dish, feed 6-8 people
3 cups chopped cooked chicken or turkey
1 cup diced onion (sweet works best, but I sometimes use red)
2 cups mushrooms, sliced
½ cup white wine
1 stick butter
1 package spaghetti noodles, cooked al dente
1 jar chopped pimentos
1 can green chiles
1 can cream of mushroom soup
1 cup sour cream
Salt and pepper to taste
1 cup mayonnaise
2 ½ cups shredded cheese
1 cup chopped green onion, for garnish
½ cup toasted almonds
I like to serve this with a spinach salad, mine has dried cranberries, bleu cheese, candied pecans, red onions and balsamic vinaigrette. It also goes great with pound cake and whipped cream!
Another really good, and easy, leftover recipe…enchiladas.
Carolyn's Thanksgiving Leftovers Enchiladas
1-13x9 casserole dish, feed 5-7
1 package 10" flour tortillas
2-3 cups shredded turkey (or chicken)
1 can cheddar cheese soup
1 can enchilada sauce
1 can cream of mushroom soup
2 cups shredded cheese—recommend jalapeno jack
1 can creamed corn
1 cup sour cream
¼ cup Cholula, hot sauce
2 cups fresh spinach, rough chopped
½ cup chopped green onions
I cook some yellow rice and black beans to go with this, but a nice green salad works as well.
Enjoy your holidays. Love on your family. Have fun with your leftovers, and don't worry about getting trapped in the kitchen, you've got the knives.
The meal is finished. Mostly it was a good experience. Not perfect, but you will come back, you may not order the steak, but you will try something else. The check is presented to the table and following normal male/female protocol the check is placed closer to the male than the female. The female picks up the check, looks at it and asks, 'could you split this please?'
Rule Five: If you are splitting a check, please let your server know from the beginning of the meal. This goes for using gift certificates or coupons as well. Not that we can't split a check at the end of the meal, but when you are done with a meal, you most likely are ready to go and the delay of then splitting the check will annoy you. When I'm ready to go, I'm ready and don't make me wait. (Of course this could be just my personal opinion as I tend to the impatient side of things.) On the other hand, if you are dining together and you are planning on splitting the check, consider splitting it in half—chances are good it will be fairly equal. (Also, when dining with a group of friends, I recommend that you bring some cash, and then splitting the check is not so bad.) Don't leave anything to chance, refer back to lesson three, ask for what you want.
When the server returns with the split checks the diners praise him for the exceptional service and the fantastic food. He apologizes for the steak not being cooked correctly, and they tell him not to worry about it, that he was getting full anyway. So they pay. They are sated and happy and leave the restaurant. It seems the diners had a reasonably good time. All in all the evening has been a success. After the guests leave, the server picks up the checks from the table and looks inside. They've left him a 10% tip and he sighs, and walks away wishing they had told him about the steak, wondering why they praised everything, in his mind he is memorizing their faces and writing in blazing bright red across their faces BAD TIPPERS. The next time you have that server, he might just spit, or worse, in your food.
Rule Six: Tip according to the servers' ability, not the chefs. Don't take out on the server the kitchens, or your own, mistakes. If you don't allow the kitchen, or server, to fix a problem, you have accepted the problem. The server did what was asked of him. You may be thinking, well why didn't he take the steak off the bill, well, honestly, because you didn't ask him to. You did not allow the restaurant to fix the problem and you continued to eat the meal. This is your fault and now you've created an enemy. I realize that some people consider the whole tipping thing to be a bit ridiculous and in this day and age of the 20% or higher being expected, I can understand. Keep in mind that TIPS is an acronym for 'to insure proper/prompt service.' It does not insure that the chef has the skill to create the perfect steak, but it should insure that you receive what you ordered. I also realize that servers often blame the kitchen for their mistakes, as in 'sorry it's taking so long, but the kitchen is backed up,' when in actuality the server has forgotten to put the order in. So, sometimes, it is difficult to tell. If you are unhappy with your experience, tell them that as well. It is almost impossible to fix a problem that you do not know exists. Again, don't take you're impotence out on your server…he did his job and you accepted the job of paying him for his services when you sat down at the table. I generally tip 20% or better, but I have also spent almost my entire life living off the generosity of diners, and I'm one of those picky diners, so I compensate. I'm not saying that you must tip 20%, but 15% gratuity is a thing of the past, 18% is industry standard and 20% is generally expected for good service.
These are the "Rules of Engagement" as I see them. And admittedly they are from a very personal point of view. For my purposes I have given the diners an exceptional server and placed them in a fine dining restaurant. I believe these rules apply to diners everywhere, but there are always exceptions. In general if you follow these rules, you will have an enjoyable dining experience. So, for now, let's recap the "Rules of Engagement" as I see them.
Rule One: Be Specific. Never ask an ambiguous question such as "What is good?"
Rule Two: Ask for what you want, not what you don't want.
Rule Three: If it's wrong, tell someone. Don't be a martyr.
Rule Four: Free is free. Accept a gift, as a compliment, graciously.
Rule Five: Let your server know from the beginning that you are splitting the check.
Rule Six: Tip according to the servers' ability, not the chefs.
The salads and appetizers arrive. The wine the server suggested is perfect and enjoyable. The empty plates are removed, the server pours more wine and then the main course arrives. The plates look lovely and smell delicious; the diners eagerly cut into their food and enjoy their first bite. "Darling, how is your fish?" he asks, "It's fabulous and how is yours?" He chews a little, looks down at his steak makes a face and says "It's ok, a little overcooked, but oh well, you never get what you want anyway, do you." The server gives them a moment to take a few bites and returns to the table to inquire "And how is everything? Is the meal prepared to your liking?" The diners respond enthusiastically, he only a little less so than she, "Yes, everything is fantastic." He eats about half of his meal and pushes the plate aside and continues to enjoy his wine while his date finishes her meal, nearly mopping the plate with bread. The server returns when he senses they have finished, picks up the plates, notices the half eaten steak and wonders to himself what happened?" He hasn't asked for it to be wrapped up to go? He said it was just
fine? He looks at the steak, realizes that it was not cooked correctly and returns to the kitchen wishing he could have fixed the problem earlier because now a good experience has been compromised, and so has his tip.
Rule Three: If it's wrong, tell someone. Nobody likes a martyr--nobody, not even a martyr. Your friends might try and make you feel better about your misfortune, but what they are really thinking is fix it, don't let the man get you down, ask for what you want. Unfortunately popular culture makes it seem as though your food is going to be spit in or worse if you complain. I can tell you, in 20 years of restaurant service never have I or the staff I've worked with spit in, or worse, someone's food when that person just asked for what they wanted. Be a rude, obnoxious, know it all prick and I'll throw your food on the floor, season it with secret sauce and cheer you on to eat. Kindly ask for what you want or let us know that we have made a mistake, and I'll do my best to give you what you want. Generally speaking the people you encounter in the service industry want to make you happy. Their financial well being depends on it. Seriously.
The server returns to the table and recites the dessert list emphasizing his favorites. The couple confers for a moment and then decides on the chocolate crème brulee. The server asks if they would like anything else with their dessert. They respond that no, they will just finish the wine. Bearing two glasses of port and dessert, the server returns to the table "Please enjoy this 10 year tawny port with my compliments." He places the crème brulee on the table with two spoons and the port. She says, "Oh no, I don't want any port," and scrunches up her nose in distaste.
Rule Four: Free is free. When offered something for free, consider it a gift. You would never tell a friend giving you a gift that you don't want it, you may say so in private, but you certainly would not to their face. Treat your server the same way. Accept it as a gift, treat it as such. Enjoy if you wish, leave on the table untouched if you are not interested. Or just try it, you may find that it is absolutely delicious with the crème brulee. (Of course, if you are not drinking and your server tries to fix a problem with a drink, that's not so good, but following what has happened so far during this meal, offering port as a 'pardon us for screwing up' gift is perfectly appropriate.)